Preface:
I want to start by saying that I’m okay. Tone can be hard to read on a screen, and I want to be clear that this is me processing. I’m working through deep pains in my heart space. Healing is like a hurricane after you’ve deeply cleaned your house. It’s not neat and tidy.

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I woke up feeling heavy today. Morose.
I’m facing a lot of things I realize I’ve just been pushing away – or maybe they’re just deeper layers of what I’ve been unraveling from my heart. There’s something I said to my ex that keeps playing in my head: “I feel like I’m a temporary in people’s lives. Someone who helps them be better for someone else.”

I can’t tell you how hard it is to walk past his window every damn workday. A good friend reminded me at work today that even though he was an asshole he taught me a lot and I gained a lot. He told me that if we accidentally make eye contact again to just remind myself that this was my LAST asshole and be grateful for that. I am truly grateful for the souls I have called into my life and the friendships that are blossoming.

For 41 years, I’ve sought love from people who are selfish, who only care about what they can gain from being with me. The woman within me is angry, but the love that pours from my soul tempers her fire.

This anger has brought me revelations about who I am and what I really want.
Not what my attachment anxiety wants.
Not what my wounded child wants.
Not what someone else wants from me.
What I want.

I just laughed because I realized that this is the same anger and fire that activates when I protect my children. It brings me to tears to think about how far I’ve come. I’ve become that protector for myself – the one I never had as a child. I will protect my heart the same way I protect my kids.

If you know me as a mom, you know I don’t control my children. I guide them. They’re not mine. They belong only to themselves. I’m here to protect and walk beside them, and eventually behind them.
Now, I’ve become that for myself.

I deserve someone who sees my potential the way I see theirs.
I don’t let people stay stuck in their stories or trauma loops. I push my partners to grow, to chase their passions – I’m ready for that same devotion. I want someone who truly sees me, just as I’ll see them. A relationship where we both push each other to be our best selves as we walk upon this earth.

I know I haven’t met this person yet, and I am ok if I never do. I’ll keep becoming better than I was. I’ll keep completing my goals and letting love flow from me. I am no longer searching for love, because I know that I am love.