Tag: emotional balance

Manifesting Peace

Published on by DragonflyRoseLeave a comment

Sometimes, I forget what I manifest. I work with the moon when I manifest, and during the last New Moon on January 29th, 2025, I manifested peace. I wanted peace in every aspect of my life. Peace in my job, with my kids, in my relationships, a whole-life peace.

I realized this as the Full Moon arrived yesterday. Sometimes, to receive what we ask for, certain things must go. My attachment caused me to ignore and hold on to things that were robbing me of peace and stealing my energy. Some things transformed because I could shift my perspective, while others were cut from me entirely.

I’ve met so many people along my path who have been hurt by love, or by love that was once present but then taken away. But when you reflect, how would your life look if that love had stayed? I realized that, despite the love I had, we were on different levels, different paths, and operating in different realms of existence. Had I stayed, my life would never have been full of peace; instead, it would have been filled with chaos and heartache.

I have an inner voice that tries to guide me. The frustrating part is that it isn’t loud. It’s calm, peaceful, and quiet. I need mental peace and a peaceful environment to hear it. Sometimes, I can tune out noisy places, but if the space I’m in causes anxiety, I know my mind is shifting into fight-or-flight. In that state, I cannot hear my inner voice.

I process things intensely and immediately. I let my hurricane of emotions rage so they can be released. I do not deny what I feel, but I try my best to control my actions. This week, I tried to hold on, then completely cut off communication. He did the same, which made it easier, even if it hurt immensely. During those moments, I embraced the little girl inside me. The one who felt abandoned. That’s where my attachment anxiety comes from.

My life has been nothing but chaos for 41 years. I turn 42 this year. That is more than enough chaos for one lifetime.

When I was with Aaron, it was mostly peaceful. We could meld into the safety of each other, and that peace allowed my nervous system to relax. I had never experienced such tranquility. I needed that experience to understand what peace even felt like. And when it left, I needed to reassure that little girl inside me she is loved and that peace will still be hers.

My new boundaries are all centered on peace. If you bring emotional chaos and imbalance into my world, you will be asked to leave. If you cannot face who you are and heal, grow, or love yourself fully, you will be asked to leave. To sit at my table, you must have first sat at your own inner table.

I have been through enough. I deserve friends and lovers who will meet and exceed me because I will never stop, not until I die. I will always challenge people to step into who they are and to love and accept every part of themselves. I will always challenge people to be better.

I am grateful that the fog lifted last night, allowing me to reflect on my actions and decisions over the past year. Today, I can breathe and think clearly, free from grief, free from anxiety.

Full of peace.

My Bipolar Day

Published on by DragonflyRoseLeave a comment

Sometimes my mind wages a battle against my heart, trying to convince me it doesn’t, or shouldn’t, feel something. My logic seeks to solve all my problems, believing that balance and happiness lie in rationality. This causes a lot of anxiety within me, and at times, I struggle to get it under control. I must face the truth that I am heartbroken, and I need to allow myself to feel that. Not to act on it, not to try and reclaim what’s lost (even if that were possible), but simply to sit with the emotion.

Yesterday, I tried to convince myself that what I felt wasn’t real, that it was just my need for connection. But today, I have realized that I truly loved him, more than I have ever loved anyone. And the pain that has come with cutting him completely out is intense. I believe we love others to the depth at which we love ourselves, and my love for myself is immense. This experience is reminding me to be careful with whom I share my heart and my life because when I love, it soars through the heavens and expands bigger than the Universe.

Grief is a strange beast that ebbs and flows like the tides of the ocean. I recently saw an incredible representation of how grief cycles through and out of our lives: a glass of red wine placed under a running faucet. The clear water slowly mixed with the deep red, diluting it. It took longer than I imagined for all the wine to disappear. That is how grief works. It is gradual, unpredictable, and even after the water runs clear a stain remains on the glass. A lingering lesson, a reminder of the pain that comes when I fall in love. Even if I do find the right person someday, I will still lose them to death. That pain will be even worse than this. If I am being honest, that thought scares me. But maybe it should scare everyone. Maybe then we would treat love with more respect. Treat each other with more respect.

I am not sure I want to go through heartache like this again. But maybe it is still too fresh, and I just need to stay present. By staying present and taking care of myself, I am finding it easier to navigate everything. I took two walks at work today. I also started a new chapter in my Sera novel. I thought it was finished, but there was more that needed to be written. The words flowed effortlessly, perhaps because I am no longer denying my emotions, even if they make me feel bipolar. Even if they make me look crazy to the outside world. She’s happy, she’s mad, she’s sad, she’s happy, she’s complaining, etc. Maybe the world needs to see that. Needs to see what actions do to people.

We try so hard to keep everyone comfortable, to avoid making a scene. But I think it needs to be seen. Otherwise, how do we change? How do we become better? I know that when I see I have hurt someone; it makes me reflect on my own toxic behaviors. I think everyone needs to reflect.

Anyway, these are just some fleeting thoughts from my chaotic day where I traveled through stress, anxiety, sadness, anger, and happiness, all while dreaming of what I want next in this life. So, I guess what I am really saying is that I am proud of myself. Proud of finally taking care of myself in the ways that I need.

A Sorrowed Frenzy

Published on by DragonflyRoseLeave a comment

Last night was not a good night for me. My son needed to be rescued from some difficult circumstances, and my attachment got the best of me. I found myself reaching out, grasping at whatever connection I could get ahold of, grasping for answers, grasping for validation. All I ended up doing was prolonging my suffering.

I have a hard time with loss. Losing love, or more so, losing connection. This morning, I realized how my attachment was causing me to put pressure on the people I love. My kids, my partners, my friends. I saw how much I was wanting from another person instead of simply enjoying their presence.

Last night, my ego took control for a few hours, and I was not the best version of myself. I lost control and found myself wondering what was wrong with me, questioning why people eventually pull away. At first, I am fun and detached, but as time goes on, I start to rely on what others offer me. When that love fades, when that connection disappears, I spiral into a reckless frenzy of sorrow.

This morning, I realized I’ve just been trying to escape my pain, trying to ignore the fact that I am searching for something outside of myself. I do well on my own. I feel I have mastered solitude. I know how to entertain myself, how to take care of myself, how to love myself. But when I enter a relationship, I become needy.

I know I need connection. I know I need love. But I must be willing to let people love and connect with me in their own ways, not just in the ways I expect or demand them to. I don’t know what this world holds for me in terms of connection, but I do know that I will continue to know and love myself. I will continue to reflect and heal. One experience at a time.

Evening Revelations: Anxious Attachment

Published on by DragonflyRoseLeave a comment

I’ve had a day of wonderful moments and difficulties, fueled by anxiety and my anxious attachment style and my conscious brain trying to make sense of my world right now. I’m realizing just how much I needed this heartbreak. When I initially declared, “Two years single!” I said it with anger—anger at all the men who had crossed my path and anger at myself for allowing them to get close enough to touch me. I didn’t go into it with a true purpose. Be single and alone was all that was in my mind.

The truth I am facing is that I needed someone to show me true love and care, only to walk away. I needed it so I could finally face the part of me that still needed healing. My anxious attachment.

As I spiraled today, songs and articles kept showing up in my feed, all centered on anxious attachment during a breakup. I checked off every symptom, and while it didn’t feel great, it shone a light on why I was spiraling. So, I started searching: How to heal anxious attachment after a breakup.

Surprisingly, there’s a wealth of information out there! One article, accompanied by videos, resonated deeply with me. It has put me on a path that I believe will finally start my healing journey.

We can resent the algorithms, AI, and the eerie feeling that our phones are “listening” to us, but sometimes they lead us exactly where we need to go. They also reveal what we’re obsessing over.

Right now, I feel such relief. I know the healing process will ebb and flow, but I finally have more tools to help me navigate it. For anyone struggling with this as I do, this has been the most helpful resource I’ve come across in a long time.

How to Get Over An Ex: Healing Anxious Attachment Style