Tag: faith

Tough Love Sorrow and the Memories it Brings

Published on by DragonflyRose1 Comment

Today, sadness is attempting to consume me as I try to fight it off. Tough love has never been something I could do for anyone I care about. Because of this, I have been an emotional doormat for everyone and bled my own emotions on anyone willing to listen to me, anyone willing to give me the space I needed. It permeates through every facet of my life, even my work. I choose roles that put me in a “motherly” position, caring for people and doing tasks that are well below my level of expertise. I am not challenged, and then I become bored.

I am shifting in a lot of areas of my life, and with that comes great grief. I had to tell my son that he needed to leave. That he could no longer live with us. The thought of my kids suffering has made me rescue them from everything, but in turn they learn nothing. My home is toxic right now, and as much as I try to shift it, it doesn’t move. I know we cannot have a healthy relationship and live together. It is just not possible. But this possibility of a relationship with him may never come. He hates me right now, and I don’t know that it will ever change. It is punching a hole straight through me.

It is also giving me insight into the pain of what cutting a parent out feels like from the parent’s side. It changes nothing in terms of me contacting my mother, but it gives me empathy and compassion as to what she is going through. It is a hard pill to swallow, that I have failed him. That for whatever reason, I am a villain in his life, when I have only ever tried to give him everything.

My sadness is immense this morning, and it is spilling over my entire life right now. I have healed my inner little girl — all the trauma she went through, all the pain, all the abuse. But that angry teenager, angry young mom, angry young adult is screaming at me now. Screaming to be heard, to be held, to be healed. I cannot push her away any longer. I need to face that pain.

My mother kicked me out of her house when I was 16. We were forced to live with our stepdad, a man with dark and harmful tendencies, who should never have been trusted around children – a pedophile who preferred little girls. It took me a long time to cut him out of my life, because he had, in some twisted way, rescued us from her. I often think about how deeply wrong that dynamic was. The place that was supposed to be safe wasn’t. But it was the safest place we had, and that is fucked up.

The thought of my son out in the world struggling, crying, in pain… breaks me in a way I can never be able to describe. And yet, I cannot take this toxic living anymore. How does one choose themselves over their children? I feel awful. I feel like a failure. And I feel like I will never see my son again once he is gone. For so many years it was him and I against the world, now our world is completely different. Changed. I know I could have been better, in a lot of ways, I have to live with that guilt. I just hope he knows how much I love him, even if he chooses to never speak to me again.

I am deeply, heartbreakingly sad today.

In a World Full of Sheep, Be a Banshee.

Published on by DragonflyRoseLeave a comment

I woke today at 3:30 AM EST with words flowing from my soul. I had a revelation: as much as I am here to teach my daughter; she is also here to teach me.

From my very first breath, I have been suffocated by expectations and responsibilities. I was born a grown-up, and my inner child has been fighting to play my entire life. I am sure we all know the scene. A young child about to go down the biggest slide they have ever seen. It looks terrifying, yet they see the joy on the faces of those who have gone before them. They sit at the edge, gazing down, caught between horror and wonder. The chance at extreme joy. With the support of friends or parents cheering them on, they take that first plunge. Maybe they even go down with someone. The exhilaration. But they are not ready to go alone just yet. They need a few more tries with support. Then, finally, they let go and find themselves enjoying the ride alone. Full of passion, adventure, curiosity, freedom, and confidence.

This is what children teach us.

I have been fighting my conditioning my whole life, and only now do I fully realize it. Healing is not complete until we can see the entire picture. My generation was raised by people who came from harder times, and they were raised by people who had even harder times before them. As the years go on and we advance in technology and understanding of our natures, life becomes easier. But we fear that ease. We judge it. We judge this generation just as the previous generations judged us. Instead of fearing it, we should celebrate it. We should be happy that the new generations and the ones to come will have an easier life.

I think we, as adults, need to take a big step back and reflect on how we treat the young. The mental illness and sadness we see? That is on us. We are meant to guide them, not mold them into our image. They are here to teach us how to live in these new times and we are here to guide them to know themselves and learn all we have learned. But it is their choice of what they take on their journeys. Because that journey is theirs, not ours.

I have had people in my life who have cheered me on, but because I did not love myself, I could never take the leap to fully live the way I wanted. I did not have the confidence to voice what I truly desired for my life. But those days are long gone. Today, I feel renewed, especially in my perspective and energy with my kids. I am but a drop in their ocean of experiences. Their life is not mine and they need to live it for them.

They will get hurt, and I will be here, supporting and cheering them on. But I will also take the hand of my own inner little girl so she can be free, so she can be a child, so she can live a life full of whimsy and adventure.

I am learning so much from my confident and passionate Ruby. I scream the death cry of my old life and I step into my new one, fully and open-heartedly.

A Sorrowed Frenzy

Published on by DragonflyRoseLeave a comment

Last night was not a good night for me. My son needed to be rescued from some difficult circumstances, and my attachment got the best of me. I found myself reaching out, grasping at whatever connection I could get ahold of, grasping for answers, grasping for validation. All I ended up doing was prolonging my suffering.

I have a hard time with loss. Losing love, or more so, losing connection. This morning, I realized how my attachment was causing me to put pressure on the people I love. My kids, my partners, my friends. I saw how much I was wanting from another person instead of simply enjoying their presence.

Last night, my ego took control for a few hours, and I was not the best version of myself. I lost control and found myself wondering what was wrong with me, questioning why people eventually pull away. At first, I am fun and detached, but as time goes on, I start to rely on what others offer me. When that love fades, when that connection disappears, I spiral into a reckless frenzy of sorrow.

This morning, I realized I’ve just been trying to escape my pain, trying to ignore the fact that I am searching for something outside of myself. I do well on my own. I feel I have mastered solitude. I know how to entertain myself, how to take care of myself, how to love myself. But when I enter a relationship, I become needy.

I know I need connection. I know I need love. But I must be willing to let people love and connect with me in their own ways, not just in the ways I expect or demand them to. I don’t know what this world holds for me in terms of connection, but I do know that I will continue to know and love myself. I will continue to reflect and heal. One experience at a time.