Tag: family

The Weight of Being The Safe Place

Published on by DragonflyRoseLeave a comment

It is a deep pain that words cannot hold a flame to when I see my daughter experiencing the same traumas I endured. Her physical experience is different, but what she is going through emotionally, I know all too well.

Dissociation, distrust, not feeling safe. Anger. She is experiencing passive neglect and verbal and emotional hostility. This is causing her to retreat—to be angry instead of sad, instead of feeling the pain. She shuts down at her dad’s and explodes at home. I know why she does it. I know I am the only safe place she has. But some days I crack. Some days my voice raises and I try to get her to talk, try to get her to open up so she can feel better. It only makes things worse for her.

Today I am practicing breathing, being present. To be her anchor, not her fixer. To be her container, not her rescuer. I am learning to be the calm, safe harbor to her storm, so she knows that no matter what she is going through, I am her safe haven. That I love her no matter what she is expressing.

I need a circle of people who can help me support her in a way that shows her what true love and support look like. People who show her what softness is, what love is, what trust is. She sees that in me, but I am afraid I am the only one she sees it from. I know she doesn’t get it at her dad’s. I also know that she has no healthy male role in her life at all. She tells me every week how she has stayed in her room watching YouTube and shows for most of the weekend. She even eats in her room. She isolates herself, and he lets her… because it is easy. Easy to live the life you feel you deserve because you work… I don’t want my anger to steer this but I cannot deny that it is there and it is powerfully strong. Controlling it is exhausting.

I feel powerless, helpless. Stepping away from my fixer role has been one of my most painful lessons lately, especially for my kids. I am realizing how I have only ever surrounded myself with the wounded—with people who need help, with people who would rather not do the work to better themselves. With people who want to lay all of it on my shoulders. And I have done it, for far too long. I can see and feel the people I call into my life now are different, are willing to put in the work to be better people, without me pulling the strings to get them there. I know my energy demands a lot from people, without me even having to say anything. I know what being with me requires from someone, and I honor those who stay.

My life, my soul, is demanding something different from me now. It is hard letting go, letting that control go. But it has served its purpose. I am more stable and secure than I give myself credit for. I know I can do this. But I now also know that I cannot do it alone. And that no one truly can.

In a World Full of Sheep, Be a Banshee.

Published on by DragonflyRoseLeave a comment

I woke today at 3:30 AM EST with words flowing from my soul. I had a revelation: as much as I am here to teach my daughter; she is also here to teach me.

From my very first breath, I have been suffocated by expectations and responsibilities. I was born a grown-up, and my inner child has been fighting to play my entire life. I am sure we all know the scene. A young child about to go down the biggest slide they have ever seen. It looks terrifying, yet they see the joy on the faces of those who have gone before them. They sit at the edge, gazing down, caught between horror and wonder. The chance at extreme joy. With the support of friends or parents cheering them on, they take that first plunge. Maybe they even go down with someone. The exhilaration. But they are not ready to go alone just yet. They need a few more tries with support. Then, finally, they let go and find themselves enjoying the ride alone. Full of passion, adventure, curiosity, freedom, and confidence.

This is what children teach us.

I have been fighting my conditioning my whole life, and only now do I fully realize it. Healing is not complete until we can see the entire picture. My generation was raised by people who came from harder times, and they were raised by people who had even harder times before them. As the years go on and we advance in technology and understanding of our natures, life becomes easier. But we fear that ease. We judge it. We judge this generation just as the previous generations judged us. Instead of fearing it, we should celebrate it. We should be happy that the new generations and the ones to come will have an easier life.

I think we, as adults, need to take a big step back and reflect on how we treat the young. The mental illness and sadness we see? That is on us. We are meant to guide them, not mold them into our image. They are here to teach us how to live in these new times and we are here to guide them to know themselves and learn all we have learned. But it is their choice of what they take on their journeys. Because that journey is theirs, not ours.

I have had people in my life who have cheered me on, but because I did not love myself, I could never take the leap to fully live the way I wanted. I did not have the confidence to voice what I truly desired for my life. But those days are long gone. Today, I feel renewed, especially in my perspective and energy with my kids. I am but a drop in their ocean of experiences. Their life is not mine and they need to live it for them.

They will get hurt, and I will be here, supporting and cheering them on. But I will also take the hand of my own inner little girl so she can be free, so she can be a child, so she can live a life full of whimsy and adventure.

I am learning so much from my confident and passionate Ruby. I scream the death cry of my old life and I step into my new one, fully and open-heartedly.