Tag: Love

The Weight of Being The Safe Place

Published on by DragonflyRoseLeave a comment

It is a deep pain that words cannot hold a flame to when I see my daughter experiencing the same traumas I endured. Her physical experience is different, but what she is going through emotionally, I know all too well.

Dissociation, distrust, not feeling safe. Anger. She is experiencing passive neglect and verbal and emotional hostility. This is causing her to retreat—to be angry instead of sad, instead of feeling the pain. She shuts down at her dad’s and explodes at home. I know why she does it. I know I am the only safe place she has. But some days I crack. Some days my voice raises and I try to get her to talk, try to get her to open up so she can feel better. It only makes things worse for her.

Today I am practicing breathing, being present. To be her anchor, not her fixer. To be her container, not her rescuer. I am learning to be the calm, safe harbor to her storm, so she knows that no matter what she is going through, I am her safe haven. That I love her no matter what she is expressing.

I need a circle of people who can help me support her in a way that shows her what true love and support look like. People who show her what softness is, what love is, what trust is. She sees that in me, but I am afraid I am the only one she sees it from. I know she doesn’t get it at her dad’s. I also know that she has no healthy male role in her life at all. She tells me every week how she has stayed in her room watching YouTube and shows for most of the weekend. She even eats in her room. She isolates herself, and he lets her… because it is easy. Easy to live the life you feel you deserve because you work… I don’t want my anger to steer this but I cannot deny that it is there and it is powerfully strong. Controlling it is exhausting.

I feel powerless, helpless. Stepping away from my fixer role has been one of my most painful lessons lately, especially for my kids. I am realizing how I have only ever surrounded myself with the wounded—with people who need help, with people who would rather not do the work to better themselves. With people who want to lay all of it on my shoulders. And I have done it, for far too long. I can see and feel the people I call into my life now are different, are willing to put in the work to be better people, without me pulling the strings to get them there. I know my energy demands a lot from people, without me even having to say anything. I know what being with me requires from someone, and I honor those who stay.

My life, my soul, is demanding something different from me now. It is hard letting go, letting that control go. But it has served its purpose. I am more stable and secure than I give myself credit for. I know I can do this. But I now also know that I cannot do it alone. And that no one truly can.

Tough Love Sorrow and the Memories it Brings

Published on by DragonflyRose1 Comment

Today, sadness is attempting to consume me as I try to fight it off. Tough love has never been something I could do for anyone I care about. Because of this, I have been an emotional doormat for everyone and bled my own emotions on anyone willing to listen to me, anyone willing to give me the space I needed. It permeates through every facet of my life, even my work. I choose roles that put me in a “motherly” position, caring for people and doing tasks that are well below my level of expertise. I am not challenged, and then I become bored.

I am shifting in a lot of areas of my life, and with that comes great grief. I had to tell my son that he needed to leave. That he could no longer live with us. The thought of my kids suffering has made me rescue them from everything, but in turn they learn nothing. My home is toxic right now, and as much as I try to shift it, it doesn’t move. I know we cannot have a healthy relationship and live together. It is just not possible. But this possibility of a relationship with him may never come. He hates me right now, and I don’t know that it will ever change. It is punching a hole straight through me.

It is also giving me insight into the pain of what cutting a parent out feels like from the parent’s side. It changes nothing in terms of me contacting my mother, but it gives me empathy and compassion as to what she is going through. It is a hard pill to swallow, that I have failed him. That for whatever reason, I am a villain in his life, when I have only ever tried to give him everything.

My sadness is immense this morning, and it is spilling over my entire life right now. I have healed my inner little girl — all the trauma she went through, all the pain, all the abuse. But that angry teenager, angry young mom, angry young adult is screaming at me now. Screaming to be heard, to be held, to be healed. I cannot push her away any longer. I need to face that pain.

My mother kicked me out of her house when I was 16. We were forced to live with our stepdad, a man with dark and harmful tendencies, who should never have been trusted around children – a pedophile who preferred little girls. It took me a long time to cut him out of my life, because he had, in some twisted way, rescued us from her. I often think about how deeply wrong that dynamic was. The place that was supposed to be safe wasn’t. But it was the safest place we had, and that is fucked up.

The thought of my son out in the world struggling, crying, in pain… breaks me in a way I can never be able to describe. And yet, I cannot take this toxic living anymore. How does one choose themselves over their children? I feel awful. I feel like a failure. And I feel like I will never see my son again once he is gone. For so many years it was him and I against the world, now our world is completely different. Changed. I know I could have been better, in a lot of ways, I have to live with that guilt. I just hope he knows how much I love him, even if he chooses to never speak to me again.

I am deeply, heartbreakingly sad today.

My Mistake

Published on by DragonflyRose2 Comments
Last week, I made a mistake.

What I viewed as a calling to heal a witch wound, and it was in many ways, led me down a path that began causing me more inner turmoil than I ever imagined it could. I realize now I was operating from fear rather than exploration. Let me share my story.

Last week, I joined a sex site to explore my sexuality and to make money. But to give the full picture here, I need to backtrack a bit.

A couple months ago, I was told that I should take the LinkedIn courses my company offers to buffer my resume. He was so pleased with himself telling me this, like he was helping me in some grand way. I asked him if this was for a new role in this company or another one. He squinted his face and, through a bit of a whiny timid voice, said, “a new company possibly,” and then proceeded to change the subject.

I could see that he thought he was doing some grand gesture of helping me. That was the furthest from the truth. Instead, an inner turmoil of stress and anxiety exploded and I found myself in a space of intense dread. I have been looking for jobs in my field ever since, and every one I have applied to has either been overwhelmed with applicants and I just was not chosen, or they want someone to sit and push out graphics like a machine, not caring if the end product is of high quality.

A coworker had mentioned a few weeks ago that I should do streaming because I have so many things that I do and that I am into and that people would be interested in watching all the stuff I do on a regular basis. He then jokingly mentioned OnlyFans, and even though I brushed it off at first it planted a seed in my mind that I mulled over it for weeks. I did tarot pulls, connected with my guides and divinity, journaled page after page on it. Finally, I decided to just give it a shot.

I signed up for a bunch of sites and waited for the verification processes to finish. On the twentieth, I was approved on one of the sites, so I decided to dive right in. At first it was fun exploring raunchy sexting, risqué topics, endless D pics, and receiving gifts of money for sending a pic here and there. But as I gained regulars who really just wanted connection, I found myself starting to care for these people. Not in a romantic way, but in a human, womanly way. They would chat with me like I was a person, and then all of a sudden the raunchy came out after a few days of messaging.

I found myself losing interest in chatting with them, but keeping it up because I was getting paid for each message sent. I was making decent money for just texting people. But when it switched from me doing it for exploratory reasons to doing it for money, something in me shifted. It challenged my integrity in a way that started me down a path I did not want to go down.

Lying to these men that I was pleasuring myself when I was cleaning, or at work, or simply out and about or watching a movie left me in a space of feeling in-authentic. Honesty is an integral part of who I am and what I am all about. I found myself living in this space where so many are comfortable lying, but I am not.

I even let myself get manipulated into connecting with one of them outside the app, which is a no no. We did not meet in real life, but I also did not get paid for the encounter. It was fun, but there was no real connection.

I was fine with it at first, but last night a small voice said, “you need to let them all go.” The voice was so quiet, I almost did not hear it.

So that is what I did. I let them all go. I said no. I did an Irish goodbye and deleted all the apps I was on, and I blocked the one person I connected with outside the app.

The voice that told me to let them go was not cruel. It was not harsh. It was quiet, gentle, and clear. It felt like love.

This past year has been a journey through my own layers. Through grief, through reinvention, through reclaiming my worth. I have traveled through my own shadows. I have moved across states and seasons, letting old versions of me fall away.

Tarot has shown me again and again that I am being called to build something rooted in truth.
To create, to connect, and to serve from a place of sovereignty, not survival.

And yet, there I was. Back in a space of performing. Back in a role that asked me to pretend, to lie, to mold myself into something for the comfort and gratification of others. I thought I was exploring empowerment, but really, I was replaying an old wound.

The witch wound.

That ancient echo of being punished for expressing too much, wanting too much, being too much. I realized that the healing was not in submitting to it. The healing was in recognizing it and saying no.

What I have come to understand is that self control is not denial. It is direction. My soul does not want to be caged. She wants to be free. But freedom is not found in abandoning my values to chase comfort. Freedom is found in choosing myself, again and again, no matter how quiet the voice or how uncomfortable the truth.

I am not here to sell parts of myself just to feel seen. I am here to be whole.
To guide others toward wholeness. To create from the well of my own healing.
To help people come home to themselves, just as I am learning to come home to me.

This is not a story of shame. This is a story of returning.
Of listening.
Of shedding another layer.
And for standing up, being more honest, more aware, and more rooted than before.

So if you are in a season of questioning…
If you are exploring parts of yourself that feel unfamiliar or uncomfortable…
If you are caught between curiosity and your own inner truth…

Please know this:

You do not have to abandon yourself to be free.
You do not have to perform your worth to be loved.
You do not have to stay in something just because it offered you comfort at first.

You are allowed to change your mind.
You are allowed to listen to your intuition mid-journey.
You are allowed to walk away from anything, even from the things you once asked for.

The path back to yourself is not always loud.
Sometimes it is a whisper.

And when it comes… may you have the courage to listen.

Never Truly Alone

Published on by DragonflyRose2 Comments

Last year, I cut out almost my entire friend group. At the beginning of February, I found myself single again. I was in complete solitude, facing emotions that were ripping my heart apart. I had to learn how to nourish my own soul. I had to learn how to wrap my heart in comfort, alone. I had brief online conversations and interactions, but ultimately, I withdrew into myself. I had to.

As I slowly opened up, venturing out and reconnecting with friends, I realized something. When I talk to people, I gain a deeper understanding of myself. I am able to quiet the parts of my mind that whisper, Maybe it is in your head. Maybe it really was not that big of a deal. I started questioning myself, questioning my morals and my values. If I am completely honest, I still am at moments.

We need people to help us process the chaotic world within our minds. Sometimes, our thoughts are just our mind’s way of trying to hold on. But I am learning to let go a little more every day. I heard a psychologist say that if you still think of someone before bed and first thing in the morning, it can take six to eight months to truly let them go. That truth resonates with me. I do not think it will take that long, but I do know it will take more than a month.

One of the biggest internal debates I have had is about maintaining friendships with people I have had a sexual relationship with. I am not talking about casual social media acquaintances. I mean close friendships. In my experience, if a friendship begins as purely platonic, it must stay that way to remain truly and deeply platonic. Once intimacy enters the picture, the dynamic changes. It is never quite the same. Period.

If someone has had sex with most of their friend group, there needs to be serious contemplation about why they struggle to let people go and why they cannot maintain friendships without sex. Being friends with someone you have shared that level of connection with carries an underlying sexual energy and tension, something deeper than just friendship. This kind of friendship is not one I can maintain. I feel too deeply about people.

As I write this, I feel the truth of it within me. For me, intimacy of that nature is meant to be shared between partners. It is a sacred bond, which is probably why I could never embrace the idea of sleeping around. It is why I form attachments to every person I sleep with. These revelations about myself make it clear how careful I need to be about who I allow to touch my body, who I allow to join with me in this way. It is crucial for me, and it is a lesson I have finally learned. Sex is beautiful, but not at this cost.

When I am alone and not holding onto someone, I am able to hear my own inner voice and feel the deep peace within me. A friend recently told me that I help make sense of the chaos and that my peace brings him peace. That made me realize something. My purpose is making sense of chaos, and my gift is helping others find the peace that already exists within them. It is not my job to keep doing this for others, but I do feel called to teach people how to make sense of their own chaos, how to listen to their own inner voice, and how to recognize what they are feeling is them.

I am not entirely sure how I will accomplish this yet, but I know it starts with my own inner work. It starts with listening. By being true to myself and honoring the morals and values I hold in this life, I will eventually attract people who share the same. I will cultivate deep friendships. And one day, I will attract my divine counterpart.

Until then, I will lean into myself. For I am never truly alone because I am always here.

A Sorrowed Frenzy

Published on by DragonflyRoseLeave a comment

Last night was not a good night for me. My son needed to be rescued from some difficult circumstances, and my attachment got the best of me. I found myself reaching out, grasping at whatever connection I could get ahold of, grasping for answers, grasping for validation. All I ended up doing was prolonging my suffering.

I have a hard time with loss. Losing love, or more so, losing connection. This morning, I realized how my attachment was causing me to put pressure on the people I love. My kids, my partners, my friends. I saw how much I was wanting from another person instead of simply enjoying their presence.

Last night, my ego took control for a few hours, and I was not the best version of myself. I lost control and found myself wondering what was wrong with me, questioning why people eventually pull away. At first, I am fun and detached, but as time goes on, I start to rely on what others offer me. When that love fades, when that connection disappears, I spiral into a reckless frenzy of sorrow.

This morning, I realized I’ve just been trying to escape my pain, trying to ignore the fact that I am searching for something outside of myself. I do well on my own. I feel I have mastered solitude. I know how to entertain myself, how to take care of myself, how to love myself. But when I enter a relationship, I become needy.

I know I need connection. I know I need love. But I must be willing to let people love and connect with me in their own ways, not just in the ways I expect or demand them to. I don’t know what this world holds for me in terms of connection, but I do know that I will continue to know and love myself. I will continue to reflect and heal. One experience at a time.

Evening Revelations: Anxious Attachment

Published on by DragonflyRoseLeave a comment

I’ve had a day of wonderful moments and difficulties, fueled by anxiety and my anxious attachment style and my conscious brain trying to make sense of my world right now. I’m realizing just how much I needed this heartbreak. When I initially declared, “Two years single!” I said it with anger—anger at all the men who had crossed my path and anger at myself for allowing them to get close enough to touch me. I didn’t go into it with a true purpose. Be single and alone was all that was in my mind.

The truth I am facing is that I needed someone to show me true love and care, only to walk away. I needed it so I could finally face the part of me that still needed healing. My anxious attachment.

As I spiraled today, songs and articles kept showing up in my feed, all centered on anxious attachment during a breakup. I checked off every symptom, and while it didn’t feel great, it shone a light on why I was spiraling. So, I started searching: How to heal anxious attachment after a breakup.

Surprisingly, there’s a wealth of information out there! One article, accompanied by videos, resonated deeply with me. It has put me on a path that I believe will finally start my healing journey.

We can resent the algorithms, AI, and the eerie feeling that our phones are “listening” to us, but sometimes they lead us exactly where we need to go. They also reveal what we’re obsessing over.

Right now, I feel such relief. I know the healing process will ebb and flow, but I finally have more tools to help me navigate it. For anyone struggling with this as I do, this has been the most helpful resource I’ve come across in a long time.

How to Get Over An Ex: Healing Anxious Attachment Style

Going BareFoot: A Collection of Poetic Reflections, Art, and Photography

Published on by DragonflyRoseLeave a comment

Coming Soon!!

Going BareFoot: A Collection of Poetic Reflections, Art, and Photography is a heartfelt, creative journey through the ups and downs of life. Filled with poetry, art, and photography, this collection invites you to walk alongside the author as she shares her personal story of healing, growth, and finding peace after trauma.

Each piece captures a moment, a feeling, or a lesson learned along the way, while the accompanying reflections and thought-provoking questions encourage you to look inward and explore your own path to healing. Whether you’re processing your own experiences or simply seeking a little inspiration, Going BareFoot offers a gentle space for self-reflection, creativity, and connection.

With honesty, lightness, and a touch of vulnerability, this collection reminds us all that healing is a journey—and sometimes, it’s best walked BareFoot.

Available for purchase on April 1st, 2025