Cardin told me last week that he couldn’t understand why I was so upset because, in his view, genuine love takes years to develop. A huge part of me resisted that idea. I believe that when we come from a mutual space of self-love and completeness—with no dependency—we can truly love another person right away. But I was not coming from a place of true love and completeness within myself. I got caught up in believing that this last was finally real, that I had finally found the one.
Upon reflecting this morning, I realized that what I had experienced was not true love, but a dependency rooted in my deep need for connection. I also recognized that he could never have truly loved me either, as he was coming from a place of self-loathing and his own dependencies. Our connection, as beautiful as it was, was born not from genuine love and respect but from an attempt to fill something we felt was missing in each other’s lives. You cannot truly love another if you do not fully love yourself.
I now understand my purpose in this moment, and I know why I must embrace solitude. I feel a deep call to help others learn to love themselves, and this is a goal I am now pursuing with all my energy. But to truly guide others, I must first strengthen the bond I have with myself. I know solitude will be excruciating at times, but these are the moments in which I must nurture my own inner support and love. That way, when I enter my next union, it will come from a place of wholeness and not from a need for someone to fill something within me.
This has been a hard week, yet it has also been one of deep soul-searching and untangling from people who were draining me. I have filled pages and pages of my journal and had multiple breakdowns, but today, I feel free. My path is clearer, and I no longer feel sadness over what someone else is doing. I am free to work my magick, to create the life I desire, and to eventually help others on their own journeys toward self-love, self-acceptance, and living authentically as their complete selves during their time on this planet.
I’m not sure why I’ve felt the need to share everything I go through and experience. I think it stems from the fact that when I scroll through social media, I see so much pain. I see people struggling—to find themselves, to find purpose, to find meaning, to find love. The relationship I have with my inner world is now beautiful and strong, but it wasn’t always this way. I come from a past of deep self-loathing and abuse, both from myself and others. It took me a long time to reach this point, and while I still have a long journey ahead in many areas, I am excited for what’s to come. I hope my vulnerability and raw’ness inspires the same growth in whomever reads what I pour out.
Anna Marie 