Tag: self-love

True Self-Love Comes Through Solitude

Published on by DragonflyRoseLeave a comment

Cardin told me last week that he couldn’t understand why I was so upset because, in his view, genuine love takes years to develop. A huge part of me resisted that idea. I believe that when we come from a mutual space of self-love and completeness—with no dependency—we can truly love another person right away. But I was not coming from a place of true love and completeness within myself. I got caught up in believing that this last was finally real, that I had finally found the one.

Upon reflecting this morning, I realized that what I had experienced was not true love, but a dependency rooted in my deep need for connection. I also recognized that he could never have truly loved me either, as he was coming from a place of self-loathing and his own dependencies. Our connection, as beautiful as it was, was born not from genuine love and respect but from an attempt to fill something we felt was missing in each other’s lives. You cannot truly love another if you do not fully love yourself.

I now understand my purpose in this moment, and I know why I must embrace solitude. I feel a deep call to help others learn to love themselves, and this is a goal I am now pursuing with all my energy. But to truly guide others, I must first strengthen the bond I have with myself. I know solitude will be excruciating at times, but these are the moments in which I must nurture my own inner support and love. That way, when I enter my next union, it will come from a place of wholeness and not from a need for someone to fill something within me.

This has been a hard week, yet it has also been one of deep soul-searching and untangling from people who were draining me. I have filled pages and pages of my journal and had multiple breakdowns, but today, I feel free. My path is clearer, and I no longer feel sadness over what someone else is doing. I am free to work my magick, to create the life I desire, and to eventually help others on their own journeys toward self-love, self-acceptance, and living authentically as their complete selves during their time on this planet.

I’m not sure why I’ve felt the need to share everything I go through and experience. I think it stems from the fact that when I scroll through social media, I see so much pain. I see people struggling—to find themselves, to find purpose, to find meaning, to find love. The relationship I have with my inner world is now beautiful and strong, but it wasn’t always this way. I come from a past of deep self-loathing and abuse, both from myself and others. It took me a long time to reach this point, and while I still have a long journey ahead in many areas, I am excited for what’s to come. I hope my vulnerability and raw’ness inspires the same growth in whomever reads what I pour out.

A Sorrowed Frenzy

Published on by DragonflyRoseLeave a comment

Last night was not a good night for me. My son needed to be rescued from some difficult circumstances, and my attachment got the best of me. I found myself reaching out, grasping at whatever connection I could get ahold of, grasping for answers, grasping for validation. All I ended up doing was prolonging my suffering.

I have a hard time with loss. Losing love, or more so, losing connection. This morning, I realized how my attachment was causing me to put pressure on the people I love. My kids, my partners, my friends. I saw how much I was wanting from another person instead of simply enjoying their presence.

Last night, my ego took control for a few hours, and I was not the best version of myself. I lost control and found myself wondering what was wrong with me, questioning why people eventually pull away. At first, I am fun and detached, but as time goes on, I start to rely on what others offer me. When that love fades, when that connection disappears, I spiral into a reckless frenzy of sorrow.

This morning, I realized I’ve just been trying to escape my pain, trying to ignore the fact that I am searching for something outside of myself. I do well on my own. I feel I have mastered solitude. I know how to entertain myself, how to take care of myself, how to love myself. But when I enter a relationship, I become needy.

I know I need connection. I know I need love. But I must be willing to let people love and connect with me in their own ways, not just in the ways I expect or demand them to. I don’t know what this world holds for me in terms of connection, but I do know that I will continue to know and love myself. I will continue to reflect and heal. One experience at a time.

Evening Revelations: Anxious Attachment

Published on by DragonflyRoseLeave a comment

I’ve had a day of wonderful moments and difficulties, fueled by anxiety and my anxious attachment style and my conscious brain trying to make sense of my world right now. I’m realizing just how much I needed this heartbreak. When I initially declared, “Two years single!” I said it with anger—anger at all the men who had crossed my path and anger at myself for allowing them to get close enough to touch me. I didn’t go into it with a true purpose. Be single and alone was all that was in my mind.

The truth I am facing is that I needed someone to show me true love and care, only to walk away. I needed it so I could finally face the part of me that still needed healing. My anxious attachment.

As I spiraled today, songs and articles kept showing up in my feed, all centered on anxious attachment during a breakup. I checked off every symptom, and while it didn’t feel great, it shone a light on why I was spiraling. So, I started searching: How to heal anxious attachment after a breakup.

Surprisingly, there’s a wealth of information out there! One article, accompanied by videos, resonated deeply with me. It has put me on a path that I believe will finally start my healing journey.

We can resent the algorithms, AI, and the eerie feeling that our phones are “listening” to us, but sometimes they lead us exactly where we need to go. They also reveal what we’re obsessing over.

Right now, I feel such relief. I know the healing process will ebb and flow, but I finally have more tools to help me navigate it. For anyone struggling with this as I do, this has been the most helpful resource I’ve come across in a long time.

How to Get Over An Ex: Healing Anxious Attachment Style

Tap Out

Published on by DragonflyRoseLeave a comment

I have been thinking about my life and my heart more intensely over the past 12 hours than I have in an entire year. I am heartbroken—again. But this time, the pain is different. It feels different. I shared parts of myself in a way I never have before, only to be told they didn’t want a relationship.

When I am alone, I have moments of great loneliness, especially before I started loving myself. But that loneliness is nothing compared to the pain in my heart right now.

Cardin made a comment to me last night that was hard to hear. He said I get attached to people too quickly. If I look at it that way, Aaron and I were together for six months, friends for two to three months before that. The pain I feel is more than just losing a lover—I lost a best friend.

I have cut so many people out of my life over the past year—people who have violated my friendship, my body, my trust in some way or another. I wish I could leave this state, start fresh somewhere without memories lurking around every corner. This place haunts me now.

I feel like the Universe has been trying to push me into solitude for years. I lay down my fight. I tap out. I am ready to learn this lesson. I am ready for the solitude that beckons at my door.

I have unpublished all my past posts. They are versions of myself I choose to keep only for me. This is day one of my new life. Day one of finally listening.

Deep soul work is hard work—many choose not to do it, blaming some mental ailment as the reason they cannot. Or an unwillingness to step away from people and places that no longer serve them. I will never understand this. But I now realize these are not my people. Perhaps there is no one on this planet like me. And that thought no longer brings me sadness, as it once did.

I am okay letting the world be what it is. I will share how I get through things, because I think that is why I am here.